What holds me back, us it my various maladies, the Bipolar Disorder the ADHD, the predilection to addiction. Is it the childhood that haunts or the adoption that I will never know the truth of. I am am all of these and they are part of my story, but they are bindings, they the entities that give rise to the real root of the issue to me. Here I am expecting, hoping, waiting that something will happen when it already is, its there, happening and I am somehow blinded to see. What more of a signal do I need.
I have come to a time in my life where as a person in 1999/2000 was without a home, floridly unwell and hopelessly addicted to substance. Here I am now, working, raising a family, packrafting, climbing mountain biking. Despite the fair share of trauma childhood and adult, I have achieved something that I never thought I would or others thought I would. But in all of that there is a trap, that try as I might, I still see myself as that person, sitting on the margins of society, with a home amongst others in the same spiral. I look at this life of two halves as a life of deserved pain. Back in 1999 it was.
If you are reading this far into the vault you likely know me or someone like me, I am complex, I am intelligent, I do dumb shit. When mum died a seal was somehow broken and the realty of my brother and I’s life walking on eggshells, of brutal extremes, of social disconnection and abuse came flooding back. Then my brother died, at the hands of addiction and the true nature of his childhood as the “favourite” was revealed. And this is where I am stuck. These things after 58 years are truths, I wish I could have protected him better, I wish we were both better brothers to each other but they fuel a pattern that follows a lifelong narrative of abuse, rebelliousness, achievement, isolation then self sabotage…
This is what this note is about, yes there are reasons for me to stay stuck, its a pattern of behaviour that whilst exacerbated by mental illness is in the cold light of day serves identity of low esteem, or concealment of worth and of being perpetually lost. The flipped reality is that I have to stop self sabotaging. I extend loyalty to something that delights in my pain. This is what keeps me stuck, I look at my life I am not wealthy but I have all i need and then a lot more. I no longer walk the streets combing the gutter for a ciggie butt. I have succeeded as much as anyone can in coming back from the brink, yet I still self sabotage. It is true that I dream of success then when I succeed I cannot accept even a compliment, that must confuse people, how can you be close to a person who cant be close to themselves.
I still reject the person I am as worthless. When I do that I actually take others on that ride too. This lapse that has just been, to be sure was influenced by some heavy personal circumstances heavily, but through that garden of thorns I also need to see the truth that there were choices and there always will be choices to self sabotage, and it is time to sweep the remains of self loathing, of feeling deserved pain, of addiction to things that closes my eyes and heart. I’m no more worthy than anyone else, but I am no less either.
I can be sure that temptation will never be far away, temptation to harm myself will not evaporate but it doesnt have to, I have the resources to push back. If I cant stop self sabotaging for me I need to for those I love. I maintain that if all is weighed at the end of a life and I am asked what did you do that was worthy, I can say that I stopped a cycle, my family knows a safety I didn’t , I didn’t learn… I unlearnt. Not quite a PhD or a Nobel prize but I think it needs to be enough and anything else is a bonus. It is my path in life to navigate mental ill health and fight addiction, but I am not alone, Social phobia or not I need to sop believing I’m not worth much, it fuels self sabotage, it warps reality, it keeps me waiting for something that is already there and it devalues not just me but those who would call me a friend, husband, dad, teacher, colleague, peer…and that’s on me.